IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”
Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.
Tags: Death Star, president obama, white house
What about building a,Star Destroyer Fleet.
Perry I like your way of thinking…………..In all seriousness we could probably afford to buy some AT AT Walkers. That would show the world not to mess with us!!!
We should. Would be less expensive and it would protect us from those that would mean us harm.
These posts make me laugh so much. Thanks for brightening up my day!
So then what should we do now?
The White House will pay the price for their lack of vision!
Star Wars took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. If that’s true, then Tarkin would have been dead “a long time ago” when the original Death Star station was destroyed.
Also, he was a Grand Moff, not a governor, unless we’re talking Clone Wars era, in which there was no Death Star.
Nice try.
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!
Sorry “mike” but go watch new hope over again mate. when leia first meets tarkin she says, and i quote “govenor tarkin, i should have expected to find you holding vader’s leash”
and yes he was grand moff as well.
Actually, she called him Admiral
*facepalm*
Unless, of course, names repeat themselves a lot later …
In “A New Hope”, Leia’s FIRST words to Tarkin are, “Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader’s leash……” That’s what a Moff IS, bright boy: an Imperial Governor.
This is pre death star, I think it’s joking that they got the idea from earth. So he could still be a governor at this point.
and as for the earth/empire interaction… probably not realistic, but its a joke and its funny so whatever
Ah, he was referred to “Governor” and “Grand Moff” interchangeably. Princess Leia called him Governor when she first encounters him and complains about his “foul stench.”
I understood “Grand Moff” to indicate he was a Governor, but of a higher rank than others; similar to the difference between a brigadier and major general.
A moff is a governor of a sector, directly above the Planetary Governors, who become more of a dictator when the Empire arrives, while a Grand Moff is the governor of a group of sectors, with three separate groups, I believe, in the galaxy. Therefore, a Grand Moff is both a governor and a Grand Moff. This is further added to by the fact that Tarkin was previously governor of Eriadu, and is assumed to maintain that position, acting as governor of the mega sector and Eriadu. Because of the lack of recognition of the validity of the Empire, Leia also probably would’ve been used to hearing him referred to as the governor of Eriadu.
Do I win?
How anal do you have to be to actually post that with a serious face…. about a spoof article written about a ‘1/2 joking, 1/2 let’s see if the White House actually even acknowledges this’ petition with as much journalism as the Onion. People scare me.
Um please go back to episode IV and watch again. Leia cleary addresses Tarkin as “Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader’s leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board”. Yes he was also a Grand Moff but might have had multiple titles.
and darth kill-joke joins the party
People like you are what is wrong with the internet.
Not to mention he died on the death star in “a new hope” so ether way he is dead
Actually, Tarkin was both a Grand Moff and a Governor, if you remember Princess Leia’s words when she addressed him just before he gave the order to destroy Alderaan: “Governor Tarkin! I should have expected to find you holding Vader’s leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought onboard.”
1. the Death Star was under construction during the clone wars
2. according to episode 3’s prologue iit happened “a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, yet it is happening right now, right here.”
im so nob.
lol wat
STAR WARS THE SAGA FOR EVER
Way to be That Guy, Mike! Kudos!
Tarkin was a governor, Leia even referred to him as “Governor Tarkin”
[...] on the decision by the United State not to build a giant planet-destroying space station in a post on the starwars.com blog. Calling Earth an unimaginatively named planet, the press statement quotes both Governor Tarkin and [...]
What about a large fleet of fast frigates, corvettes, gunboats, and cruisers, several wings of snubfighters, and a bunch of orbital defense platforms. We use sleeper ships to take the Modell Subsector, and then we establish a major shipyards there. After that, we can extend around the fringes, to Seoul, Anoth, and Rattatak.
Bad name?
How about using the real name of the planet?
It’s called ‘Tellus’, not ‘planet earth’. Bah!
Moffs and Grand Moffs are governors, and there was a Death Star then, and it could be that there is a wrinkle in the time and space fabric between the Milky Way and Star Wars galaxies. And it is a fact that Tarkin governed all of the Outer Rim.
What about the clone army?
We the people of earth have something like three assault weapons per every inhabitant of our planet. We don’t need no stinking death star.
if we have 3 assault wepons “per capita”, it is strange and concerning, that countrys like the USA let people have them at home, in most other countries people are not allowed to have them
Duh! You can’t blow up a planet with assault weapons. How are we supposed to enact revenge on rebel planets!
Palpatine 2016!
This can only mean that Luke Skywalker and his Jedi Order must prepare for an uprising of the Galactic Empire. The Jedi are our only hope…
[...] Ok, this is wonderful. Closely following the White House’s response to a hugely popular petition for the construction of Earth’s very own Death Star, the Galactic Empire has written a response to the White House’s denial. If weren’t aware, the reasons behind the White House’s denial included the cost (estimated at $850,000,000,000,000,000), that the current Administration doesn’t support blowing up planets, and “Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?” You can read the Galactic Empire’s “statement” below. I love the internet. Source: StarWars.com. [...]
[...] a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. — More. (Via a tweet) This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged Death Star, Obama by Michael [...]
[...] El comunicado oficial del Imperio dice lo siguiente (via StarWars.com): [...]
[...] [via StarWars.com] [...]
I demand more Galactic Empire Public Relations Blogs!
[...] Empire’s full statement can be found on their official site. [...]
[...] through StarWars.com, the Empire, apparently located at the Imperial Center on Coruscant, mocked the White House’s [...]
I’m proposing a petition that a law be passed banning the creation of assault death stars. Let’s not let what happened to the children of Alderaan ever happen again.
I think that since the U.S is already in trillion dollar debt they wouldn’t make a Death Star. It would be better to just make speeders instead.
[...] sólo hubiera quedado ahí la anécdota. Starwars.com emite un comunicado firmado por el Imperio, con base en Coruscant: ’La infinita superioridad militar del [...]
[...] Keeping things nicely surreal, the Empire has issued a press release concerning the White House’s decision to not build a Dea…. [...]
This is obviously a fake response because Emperor Palpatine has long since been dead. We all know that not only did the empire rule in a galaxy far far away, but it also happened a long time ago.
He was a Grand Moff, but in ‘A New Hope’ Leia calls him Governer Tarkin as he was one while the old republic was being dismantled so the writer can use those words & still be correct
I think I sprained something for laughing so hard!
Who needs a Death Star when we’ve got a Time Lord protecting out planet?
oh wait…
Who needs a Death Star when we’ve got a Time Lord protecting out planet?
oh wait, wrong sci-fi.
Okay, I’ve gotta give you total props for that one.
[...] In a statement released by the Imperial Center at Coruscant, courtesy Galactic Empire Public Relations, memorable Imperial officers from “A New Hope” weigh in with some heavy smack talk for Earth passing on its own fully armed and operational battle station. [...]
[...] By the time Chuck Hagel’s done with defense cuts, we’ll be lucky if we can still build aircraft carriers. Rest easy, Palpatine. [...]
[...] Galactic Empire Public Relations has some not so kind words about White House denying a petition to build a Death [...]
Wow,the decades-long and never-ending cultural impact of STAR WARS across the USA and all over the world never ceases to amaze me,and thats a good thing.
http://www.buildtheenterprise.org/
This is what we do now!
Fiscal responsibility does not concern me, Obama. I want that Death Star, not excuses.
Sounds like a rocking plan to me dude.
http://www.make-anon.tk
Shouldn’t it be “Imperial Public Relations” instead of “Galactic Empire Public Relations”?
Funny article though.
But the legislation to clone arnold schwarzenegger and have them patrol the borders is still pending.
Very happy to learn Nobody on Earth can afford to build a Star Wars defence system. You see, some people are starving. Money is better spent on them IMO. Thanks for, yet again, not blowing us up Empire. Much appreciated. Love
[...] Of course not, the Empire responded. [...]
Well. This means one thing. JEDI OF EARTH! WE MUST DEFEND!
I think Shatner said it best, “GET A LIFE!” The fact that people even pestered the White House to get a taxpayer-paid response and might this a buzz topic speaks volumes of the idiocy on our own planet. You know whomever was given the job to respond on the WH probably got a nice bonus as your expense. Good job, chibi jedis!
Reading all the comments here, I see that earth biggest challenge is not to protect itself from an alien menace, but to continue procreating. Come on, all those nerds won’t ever get laid!
[...] from StarWars.com, a response entitled “Planet Earth Abandons Death Star Project in Face of Superior Galactic [...]
Ahhhhh the Clone Emperor never thinks Earth will ever have a Imperial Fleet but indeed it will. Clone Emperor I think since I am Darth Vader-Anakin Skywalker’s son which few remember then chew on this, a midpoint number of the God Particle theorized by me. The High Point of the Higgs Boson Particle, 185 GeV/2c; good now my Midpoint particle…..Tylium 295 Tylium 133.295 GeV.295. Now my Not Emperor with this I can build Earth’s own Terran Imperial Fleet if I wish and a Death Star.
I also am most curious about what the Official Imperial Coruscant New Order Response will be that I Thorwin Organa Mazeron is Luke Skywalker’s older brother. It will also be rather tragic when the smaller Imperial Scouting fleet reaches the Terran Sol System and is rudely attacked by my Shadow Fleet atleast 5 times bigger seemly to appear from nowhere but realistically they come from shielded cloaked ports in asteroids and nearby planets in the Sol Terra System and are commanded by me, The High Shadow Lord Thorwin Organa himself (Me).
And does my knowledge of Tylium Ore Spacefuel really upset the Imperial New Order on Coruscant??? It should, the rare element had been found by Area 51 which at first did not know what to make of it but later passed it on to technitions which got into gear secretly making a “Imperiallike” fleet of warships that could tangle with Superstar Destroyers and even the Death Star, secretly they made special bases on our Moon, Mars and in the asteroid belt waiting for a time when these warships would be needed. Since in me my comming seeking Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa Solo since it was predicted they would attempt to flee from their own galaxy to Earth at last Halloween’s Eve sparked the Earth’s Multi Media into a fury about sightings of a “Dark Lord” in robes whom had red padding on his cape. The Earth was stunned when they seen such a Dark Shadow Lord roaming locally in Kings County, Nova Scotia, New Minas, at the County Fair Mall where he went around with a strange tracking device speaking in his helmet on a microphone to his fleet that was cloaked orbiting Planet Earth, this odd Shadow Lord calling himself “Thorwin Organa Mazeron” made contact with Earth’s authorities including USA President Barrack Obama most secretly whom Obama then had the Shadow Lord shuttled to Mars in the newest reciently completed Military Spaceshuttles to take command of the Earth’s Shadow Fleet. So it is moot when an Imperial Scouting Fleet reaches Earth because they will be destroyed.